Listening to music again…

I have been forcing myself to listen to the more serious stuff. Tonight, for the first time in a very long time I listened to Emotionless by Good Charlotte. The line that sticks out a lot to me is at the end of the bridge when he says ” I miss you.” I respond very strongly to that line and it doesn’t make sense to me. How do I miss something that was never there? I was listening to it and trying to understand where the emotion was coming from. I think it’s not that I miss him. Obviously. I miss what I could have had. It’s a newer feeling. I see the way my daughter is with her dad. It’s amazing. She holds him in such a high position. She loves him. She trusts in him. She relies on him. It isn’t something I can understand. And I miss that. She was hugging him and saying sweet things to him and I just stared at them. I asked her, “When you grow up you’ll have to tell me what it was like growing up with a dad.” It’s something she’s going to know all about and I will never know. And I will miss that.

I have been watching Girl Meets World and it has been getting to me. I did not realize there was a character that I could relate to so strongly. The difference between her and I is that she has this crazy amazing amount of confidence for a girl who comes from such a broken family.

I think that’s the two ways to become. Either you are confident and aggressive in order to feel some sort of reassurance in your life that everything is going to be all right in the end. Or you do what I have done and ball up into a shell because you don’t have any reassurance about life. I was not confident in school or in life at all. And that seemed to only make things worse. That’s the kid that people pick on. That’s the kid who to this day goes by her normal middle name because of being made fun of for her (unique) first name. That’s the kid that’s told by her piers that the reason the cute boy in class was hitting his head on the desk during class was because he faces her and she is so ugly that he can’t stand it. That’s the kid who eats alone in her choir classroom so that no one else can see that she doesn’t have any friends.

I wish so badly that I can go back in time and choose to be the other person. I wish I could have been more confident. I miss that. I miss the me that could have been. I miss the opportunities that I never had because the world terrified me.

Even though I do think about those days a lot, they aren’t at all what hurts the most. I can get over those things. They only sting a little because of who I am now. I know that I made a choice to be a certain way growing up. I also know why I made that choice. What hurts the most are the choices I never had. The scars that I didn’t choose. I didn’t choose to grow up without a dad. I didn’t want to have to walk myself down the isle when I got married instead of having him there to do it. I didn’t want to explain to people why my fathers day presents said “happy fathers day mom” or “happy fathers day uncle”.  I didn’t want to have to find out what a dad was like from my daughter. I didn’t choose that.

I have the same sort of feelings that come up with my mom as well but I am getting closer to a place with her where I can just let it go. But that is for another day and time.

For now, I am just trying…REALLY TRYING…and failing…to see the beauty in my scars. I always tell my daughter that scars don’t have to be looked at as ugly. They are battle wounds. They are stories. I have plenty of scars…physical and mental. I love my tattoos because they are scars that I chose to have. If I can take hold of somethings then I can begin to grasp some sort of control. I can gain the upper hand and have the choices. A lot of choices were made for me growing up (as they are with most kids) but unfortunately I had a lot of the wrong choices made for me…by the people that were supposed to make the best choices for me. I miss the right choices.

“It’s been a long hard road without you by my side. Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried…”

“The scars run deep inside this tattooed body. There’s things I’ll take to my grave.”

“And sometimes I forgive. And this time I’ll admit…That I miss you. I miss you…Hey dad.”