Never enough…


September 2015

Just a Dream

It went like this:

I was standing in line at the movies with my husband. We were waiting on our kids to come. I forgot something in the car and decided to run back and get it before the movie started. As I was going to the car everything changed and I was now walking through Disneyland. I was trying to hurry but I couldn’t run. Everything became a distraction and I was taking a long time. I thought about calling my husband to let him know I was having a hard time getting to the car but than realized I didn’t have my phone. I then thought about turning around and going back and just leaving whatever it was I forgot in the car. I finally made my way out of the park and started heading to the parking lot. I searched and searched for my car but couldn’t find it and it was getting dark outside. I finally decided to head back. As I started walking I noticed a guy coming toward me. He started talking to me and saying things like “its dangerous for a pretty girl to be out at night”. I immediately knew what his intentions were and I started backing away. Then I noticed another guy walking toward me from behind and I started asking him for help until I realized that he knew the other guy. They both attempted to grab me. I remembered something I had learned on a TV show about how to survive getting raped. It said that you need to talk to the aggressor as much as possible so that they see you as a human. You need to tell them personal things and ALWAYS tell them you are pregnant. If they know there is another life inside of you they see you as tainted and will often leave you alone. So I started yelling out facts about my family and talking about my kids. I went on about how I would be such a disappointment to my daughter if I wasn’t strong anymore and if I had been raped. He kept covering his ears and telling me to stop talking. I knew I was getting to him so I kept going. I told him I had been gone for a long time and that my husband was going to come looking for me. Finally he told me to go and I ran! I found the entrance to the park and went inside. But something was different. The people that were walking around were all different and it wasn’t Disneyland (or the movies) anymore. Something was wrong. I turned around and the 2 guys were walking in. I went to stand by other people so they wouldn’t attempt anything again. The people I was standing by called them by name and started saying hi to them. The 2 guys stared at me in a “dont say anything about what happened” way. I walked away quickly as I was trying to make sense of everything. I saw a guy that I recognized and he asked if I was okay. I said “I am now because I know what those guys names are and I can turn them in as soon as I find my husband”. He looked at me funny and walked away toward the 2 guys and began talking to them.

Suddenly it was a few weeks later and I was still there. It turned out to be an alternate universe cult of some sort that I became trapped in. I was scared of everyone and everyone was very creepy and mysterious. They rode around in carriages and wore Amish like clothes. I was in a long blue dress and riding in a carriage with an older man and a girl. I couldn’t see her face. I noticed in front of me was another carriage that we were following. In it were the 2 guys that tried to rape me and the guy I knew. I suddenly felt numb. I started creating a giant ball of dirt and once it was big enough I jumped off of my carriage and threw the giant ball of dirt on to the other carriage. It crushed them…I stood around the pile of dirt that had instantly become a grave and I felt nothing. Then I noticed I was back on the carriage watching a girl in a long blue dress standing over a pile of dirt. I realized the girl who’s face I couldn’t see was me. I got off of the carriage and the girl got back on. The carriage started moving toward a small lake in the middle of a forest. The older man turned the carriage around and started backing it into the lake. The girl in the blue dress just sat there. Suddenly her hands were tied and the old man was standing next to me. I started looking around and noticed that the part of the forest we had gone to was set up for a wedding. It was there intentions to marry the girl in the blue dress off to one of the guys on the carriage that she killed. That I killed. The carriage was farther into the lake and the girl was still just sitting there. I realized what was happening. She was being punished by the old man for killing the 3 guys. She was being put to death. I started yelling and reaching out for her. I was telling her to grab my hand and I would pull her to safety. She just stared at me. I just stared at me. And soon the girl in the blue dress was completely submerged under water, hands tied, still sitting on the carriage. She died. It was at that moment that I realized I was just a ghost of this girl in the blue dress. I was a ghost of my former self. The pain of never seeing my family again hit me and it became very clear why the girl in the blue dress didn’t fight. She was done fighting. She no longer had anything to live for.

I followed the older man back to the main living area for the cult as he told the leader there what happened. No one saw me or knew I was there. The leader was actually relieved that we were all dead. He knew those 2 guys were no good and he said “at least I don’t have to deal with them getting into trouble anymore”. Someone else spoke up about how they weren’t surprised that the girl in the blue dress killed herself. “She draws in her room everyday. She always titles it “What I saw today” and it is usually pictures of a boy and girl. I think it was her kids.” I started walking to her room so that I could see the drawings. I saw an aisle with a picture on it. It was a blurry image of a boy and girl and as it was coming into focus…I WOKE UP!

I hate nightmares…


Future Friends

Someone you haven’t even met yet is wondering what it would be like to know someone like you

And So It Begins…

Years ago I used to keep a diary.  I used to write every single detail of my life in it.  At some point I gradually started being less honest with myself so I stopped writing things down.  I hated going back and reading things I didn’t like about my life. I hated reading my own thoughts because they were way to real! I used to be okay with crying but at some point I started seeing tears as weakness. I stopped focusing on the negative in my life because I wanted to be a more positive person.  Problem with that is I think I started suppressing my negative feelings. I started ignoring that part of me and as a result I have started becoming numb to emotion.

I am learning that as with most things in life there needs to exist a balance! In order for me to get more emotionally healthy I need to not be afraid of or ignore the negative feelings that arise in my life…

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is not only honesty to myself about myself but honesty to others about myself.  Often times I put on a certain image of myself and I’d like to just be real on here. I’d like to just talk about whatever comes to me without fear of being honest.  I don’t believe the whole world needs to hear my opinion about everything but this is my space.  My journal,  my diary,  my blog,  my vlog, my attempt to reconnect with my emotions…etc. If people are interested in reading than great, if not…

With that being said, buckle your seatbelts because I’m going to TRY to get really real, raw, and in touch with my emotions…

Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑