Search

samofantha

Never enough…

Emotionless…Only the Exact Opposite

Listening to music again…

I have been forcing myself to listen to the more serious stuff. Tonight, for the first time in a very long time I listened to Emotionless by Good Charlotte. The line that sticks out a lot to me is at the end of the bridge when he says ” I miss you.” I respond very strongly to that line and it doesn’t make sense to me. How do I miss something that was never there? I was listening to it and trying to understand where the emotion was coming from. I think it’s not that I miss him. Obviously. I miss what I could have had. It’s a newer feeling. I see the way my daughter is with her dad. It’s amazing. She holds him in such a high position. She loves him. She trusts in him. She relies on him. It isn’t something I can understand. And I miss that. She was hugging him and saying sweet things to him and I just stared at them. I asked her, “When you grow up you’ll have to tell me what it was like growing up with a dad.” It’s something she’s going to know all about and I will never know. And I will miss that.

I have been watching Girl Meets World and it has been getting to me. I did not realize there was a character that I could relate to so strongly. The difference between her and I is that she has this crazy amazing amount of confidence for a girl who comes from such a broken family.

I think that’s the two ways to become. Either you are confident and aggressive in order to feel some sort of reassurance in your life that everything is going to be all right in the end. Or you do what I have done and ball up into a shell because you don’t have any reassurance about life. I was not confident in school or in life at all. And that seemed to only make things worse. That’s the kid that people pick on. That’s the kid who to this day goes by her normal middle name because of being made fun of for her (unique) first name. That’s the kid that’s told by her piers that the reason the cute boy in class was hitting his head on the desk during class was because he faces her and she is so ugly that he can’t stand it. That’s the kid who eats alone in her choir classroom so that no one else can see that she doesn’t have any friends.

I wish so badly that I can go back in time and choose to be the other person. I wish I could have been more confident. I miss that. I miss the me that could have been. I miss the opportunities that I never had because the world terrified me.

Even though I do think about those days a lot, they aren’t at all what hurts the most. I can get over those things. They only sting a little because of who I am now. I know that I made a choice to be a certain way growing up. I also know why I made that choice. What hurts the most are the choices I never had. The scars that I didn’t choose. I didn’t choose to grow up without a dad. I didn’t want to have to walk myself down the isle when I got married instead of having him there to do it. I didn’t want to explain to people why my fathers day presents said “happy fathers day mom” or “happy fathers day uncle”.  I didn’t want to have to find out what a dad was like from my daughter. I didn’t choose that.

I have the same sort of feelings that come up with my mom as well but I am getting closer to a place with her where I can just let it go. But that is for another day and time.

For now, I am just trying…REALLY TRYING…and failing…to see the beauty in my scars. I always tell my daughter that scars don’t have to be looked at as ugly. They are battle wounds. They are stories. I have plenty of scars…physical and mental. I love my tattoos because they are scars that I chose to have. If I can take hold of somethings then I can begin to grasp some sort of control. I can gain the upper hand and have the choices. A lot of choices were made for me growing up (as they are with most kids) but unfortunately I had a lot of the wrong choices made for me…by the people that were supposed to make the best choices for me. I miss the right choices.

“It’s been a long hard road without you by my side. Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried…”

“The scars run deep inside this tattooed body. There’s things I’ll take to my grave.”

“And sometimes I forgive. And this time I’ll admit…That I miss you. I miss you…Hey dad.”

Advertisements

www.samofantha.com

I have stated before about my reasons for this blog. It is very personal and whoever happens upon it will get a raw version of me. I’m not really advertising it or letting people know it’s here but if you find it…

With that being said I do have an EXTREMELY advertised and public blog that I want EVERYONE to see. It is the blog portion of my business website http://www.samofantha.com

I have 3 blogs on there currently

http://www.samofantha.com/otherstuff

http://www.samofantha.com/beautystuff

http://www.samofantha.com/dancestuff

Go check it out and let me know what you think!

Music

I haven’t gotten emotional over music in a while. I think I mostly avoid things that I think will trigger too many negative emotions so that could be the reason why. But I was listening to the Good Charlotte album “The Young and The Hopeless” and it brought me back to my very emotional teenage years. I was very in touch with my inner feelings and embraced them rather then hide from them. Just hearing some of the music opened me right back up and I felt. It inspired me to create a “Cry Music” playlist on Rhapsody that I might actually make myself listen to every now and again just so that I can feel.

I know that sounds kinda crazy but I think it can be healthy for me. I think I can deal with some stuff and maybe move past some stuff if I start feeling again…

I’m still adding songs on the playlist. Maybe when there is a bit more I will post it on here…We’ll see…

Just a Dream

It went like this:

I was standing in line at the movies with my husband. We were waiting on our kids to come. I forgot something in the car and decided to run back and get it before the movie started. As I was going to the car everything changed and I was now walking through Disneyland. I was trying to hurry but I couldn’t run. Everything became a distraction and I was taking a long time. I thought about calling my husband to let him know I was having a hard time getting to the car but than realized I didn’t have my phone. I then thought about turning around and going back and just leaving whatever it was I forgot in the car. I finally made my way out of the park and started heading to the parking lot. I searched and searched for my car but couldn’t find it and it was getting dark outside. I finally decided to head back. As I started walking I noticed a guy coming toward me. He started talking to me and saying things like “its dangerous for a pretty girl to be out at night”. I immediately knew what his intentions were and I started backing away. Then I noticed another guy walking toward me from behind and I started asking him for help until I realized that he knew the other guy. They both attempted to grab me. I remembered something I had learned on a TV show about how to survive getting raped. It said that you need to talk to the aggressor as much as possible so that they see you as a human. You need to tell them personal things and ALWAYS tell them you are pregnant. If they know there is another life inside of you they see you as tainted and will often leave you alone. So I started yelling out facts about my family and talking about my kids. I went on about how I would be such a disappointment to my daughter if I wasn’t strong anymore and if I had been raped. He kept covering his ears and telling me to stop talking. I knew I was getting to him so I kept going. I told him I had been gone for a long time and that my husband was going to come looking for me. Finally he told me to go and I ran! I found the entrance to the park and went inside. But something was different. The people that were walking around were all different and it wasn’t Disneyland (or the movies) anymore. Something was wrong. I turned around and the 2 guys were walking in. I went to stand by other people so they wouldn’t attempt anything again. The people I was standing by called them by name and started saying hi to them. The 2 guys stared at me in a “dont say anything about what happened” way. I walked away quickly as I was trying to make sense of everything. I saw a guy that I recognized and he asked if I was okay. I said “I am now because I know what those guys names are and I can turn them in as soon as I find my husband”. He looked at me funny and walked away toward the 2 guys and began talking to them.

Suddenly it was a few weeks later and I was still there. It turned out to be an alternate universe cult of some sort that I became trapped in. I was scared of everyone and everyone was very creepy and mysterious. They rode around in carriages and wore Amish like clothes. I was in a long blue dress and riding in a carriage with an older man and a girl. I couldn’t see her face. I noticed in front of me was another carriage that we were following. In it were the 2 guys that tried to rape me and the guy I knew. I suddenly felt numb. I started creating a giant ball of dirt and once it was big enough I jumped off of my carriage and threw the giant ball of dirt on to the other carriage. It crushed them…I stood around the pile of dirt that had instantly become a grave and I felt nothing. Then I noticed I was back on the carriage watching a girl in a long blue dress standing over a pile of dirt. I realized the girl who’s face I couldn’t see was me. I got off of the carriage and the girl got back on. The carriage started moving toward a small lake in the middle of a forest. The older man turned the carriage around and started backing it into the lake. The girl in the blue dress just sat there. Suddenly her hands were tied and the old man was standing next to me. I started looking around and noticed that the part of the forest we had gone to was set up for a wedding. It was there intentions to marry the girl in the blue dress off to one of the guys on the carriage that she killed. That I killed. The carriage was farther into the lake and the girl was still just sitting there. I realized what was happening. She was being punished by the old man for killing the 3 guys. She was being put to death. I started yelling and reaching out for her. I was telling her to grab my hand and I would pull her to safety. She just stared at me. I just stared at me. And soon the girl in the blue dress was completely submerged under water, hands tied, still sitting on the carriage. She died. It was at that moment that I realized I was just a ghost of this girl in the blue dress. I was a ghost of my former self. The pain of never seeing my family again hit me and it became very clear why the girl in the blue dress didn’t fight. She was done fighting. She no longer had anything to live for.

I followed the older man back to the main living area for the cult as he told the leader there what happened. No one saw me or knew I was there. The leader was actually relieved that we were all dead. He knew those 2 guys were no good and he said “at least I don’t have to deal with them getting into trouble anymore”. Someone else spoke up about how they weren’t surprised that the girl in the blue dress killed herself. “She draws in her room everyday. She always titles it “What I saw today” and it is usually pictures of a boy and girl. I think it was her kids.” I started walking to her room so that I could see the drawings. I saw an aisle with a picture on it. It was a blurry image of a boy and girl and as it was coming into focus…I WOKE UP!

I hate nightmares…

Future Friends

Someone you haven’t even met yet is wondering what it would be like to know someone like you

And So It Begins…

Years ago I used to keep a diary.  I used to write every single detail of my life in it.  At some point I gradually started being less honest with myself so I stopped writing things down.  I hated going back and reading things I didn’t like about my life. I hated reading my own thoughts because they were way to real! I used to be okay with crying but at some point I started seeing tears as weakness. I stopped focusing on the negative in my life because I wanted to be a more positive person.  Problem with that is I think I started suppressing my negative feelings. I started ignoring that part of me and as a result I have started becoming numb to emotion.

I am learning that as with most things in life there needs to exist a balance! In order for me to get more emotionally healthy I need to not be afraid of or ignore the negative feelings that arise in my life…

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is not only honesty to myself about myself but honesty to others about myself.  Often times I put on a certain image of myself and I’d like to just be real on here. I’d like to just talk about whatever comes to me without fear of being honest.  I don’t believe the whole world needs to hear my opinion about everything but this is my space.  My journal,  my diary,  my blog,  my vlog, my attempt to reconnect with my emotions…etc. If people are interested in reading than great, if not…

With that being said, buckle your seatbelts because I’m going to TRY to get really real, raw, and in touch with my emotions…

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑